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SEE ALSO: Autobiography "When you're one step ahead of the crowd you're a genius. When you're two steps ahead, you're a crackpot." |
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A old maid came up to the Southern preacher after his sermon and said "Preacher, I've got a problem with my neighbor -- he's always walking around nekked at night and with the window blinds open!" She complained and complained until the preacher said he'd come over and check it out.
Preacher comes in the old maid's house and looks out her window and sees nothing. He says "I don't see any nekked man" She says "Course not, you have to stand on the stool in the bathroom and use this hand mirror!" "It looks like it's gonna clabber up and squirt." "It's gettin' right chilly." "Don't get your panties in a bunch." "Don't go getting your panties in a wad." "Don't get your ass in an uproar." "Quitcher bitchin'" "Don't get in a tizzy." "Don't get your tushy in a tizzy." "Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" "I brought you into this world and I will take you out." "Pull that window to." "Pull that door to." "Tighter'n a bull's ass in fly season." "Remain calm..." "He was grinnin' like a mule in a briar patch." "Grinnin' like a 'possum eatin' sweet potaters." "Grinnin' like a mule in saw briars." [pron. "Bra-ars"] "Never get between two donkeys and a blade of grass." "There's more [air up there] 'n you can shake your pecker at." [corn out there] [cattle out there] ... "Those cattle are thick as fleas on a hound." "Up in my old stompin grounds." "Those my kinfolk up there." "Are you kin? You favor." "You barkin up the wrong tree." "God willin', creeks don't rise." "That makes about as much sense as tits on a boar hog." "She's runnin on two cylinders." "She's about two cards shy of a full deck." "She's not playin with a full deck." "He's nuttier'n a fruit cake." "He's nutty as a fruit cake." "Most of the butter's slid off her biscuit." "Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "Your religion is showing." "You better tuck your tongue up behind your teeth 'cause your crazy's showing." "...on it like flies on shit." "...on it like a duck on a june bug." "That dog won't hunt." "She's all tore up. . ." "Don't get your tits caught in a ringer." "She's got her tits in a ringer." "Country as cornbread." "I'm fixin' to. . ." "Ain't no flies on that." "They ain't no flies on me." "I'm about to Jack you to Jesus." "You'd best let sleepin' dogs lie." "That wasn't half bad. . . Yeah, it was all bad." "You're gettin' too big for your britches." "Reach me that wrench." "Just a frog's hair to the right." "Fine as a frog's hair." "Don't you back-sass me." "I reckon." "How far up this road do you reckon it is?" "Fetch me those pliers over there." "Bless her soul." "Bless her heart." "The Hell you say." "You don't say." "You done gone and done it now." "Fair to middlin'." "Purty fair, how're you?" "He's bad to take a drink." "Don't lollygag." "Stop your lollygaggling." "You're pissing in the wind." "Stop your bellyaching." "Watchyou say over there?" "His eyes were like twin pissholes in a snowbank." "Go piss up a rope." You don't have a pot to piss in. "He's on a cold streak." "It's colder'n a witch's tit in January." "It's colder'n hell." "Slower'n molasses in January." "Knocked him colder'n a cucumber." "Knocked him dead as a door nail." "He can talk a fly right up the wall." "She's so horny she's doing push-ups in the cucumber patch." "It's bass-ackwards." "It's ass-backwards." "He went flying ass over teakettle." "He went flying ass over tincups" "He thinks his shit don't stink." "She's got a bee in her bonnet." "She's got a burr under her saddle." "Dumb as dirt." "Stupid as a stick." "You're dumb as a rock." "Somebody pooted!" "I'm full as a tick." "Happy as a tick on a hound." "Happier'n a dog with two peckers." "Sugar? Gimme some sugar." "Are you shittin' me?" "I'm about to jerk a knot in your tail." "Cut off the lights." "Cut off the hose pipe." "Dad blast it." "Dad burn it." "Dad gum it." "Good gravy." "Goldurn it." "He's all hat and no cattle." "Do what?" "Say what?" "How's that?" "What's that now?" "I might could carry you up to the store." "Get me a orange coke." "Boy howdy!" "That tire ain't worth a flip." "She's just plumb pitiful." "She's just sad." "She's just sorry" "Raise that window down." "Hush." "Hush your mouth." "Let's head out." "Let's pull out." "Let's mosey along." "Let's roll." "Let's meander on down that way." "Djeet yet?" "Have you et?" "I haven't seen you in a coon's age" "You're a sight for sore eyes." "I declare" "She's a Georgia peach." "You're so ugly today" "Why you being so ugly?" "You're looking dapper tonite." "You're looking right dapper tonite." "She's all gussied up." "We're livin' high on the hog." "I gotta tote me some water." "I got it over yonder." "It's a right fur piece." "It's kindly colder out today." "Some jasper came by here this morning." "Some dude come by here this morning." "Some hombre was by." "You're kickin up an awful dust" "Ret up those dishes" "You courtin' that little ol' gal down there?" "Don't go gettin above your raisin" "Fetch me a sack of them taters over yonder" "It's not a drop in the bucket next to this" "There's nary a drop of sunlight in here" "I'll take a whore bath then" |
Some people like to compare Chuck Berry to God. He's great and all, but he's no Chuck Berry.
God made men. Sam Colt made them equal, more or less. Trust to the Lord and keep your powder dry God willin', creeks don't rise. "Come Hell or high water" "I'd give my left nut for that [spread] [4 wheeler] [4x4]" "If it's too hot in the kitchen, get the hell out" [GM] "If it's too bright (by me), get out of the sunlight." [GM] "She's pregalicious" [GM] "She's preggo" [GM] "She's fragrant" [Woody Guthrie] It's hard to be right. And it's easy to learn the rules and manipulate them to your benefit. [GM] 'Borrowing' an idea is not flattery; it is stealing. If you had an ounce of creativity in you, you would have come up with it yourself. You can always beat everyone at something, and you can always beat someone at everything. Compete against yourself and you'll always get better, because you can never beat yourself. [GM] A man who wants nothing is undefeatable. The man who wants everything is poor and vulnerable. [GM] Claughter [also "clafter"] - The sound of a happy audience laughing, clapping, and bemused all at once. "She's my insignificant other." "Fondness makes the heart grow absent." "Logic has a way of winning out in the end." [GM] "Don't confuse my kindness for weakness." "Don't confuse my generosity for stupidity." "I'm honest, not stupid!" "Look what the cat dragged in." "Speak of the Devil . . ." 'Ignorance on your part does not constitute a conspiracy theory on my part.' - GM 'In a system predicated on deception and lies, even those who think they are doing good participate in doing bad.' - GM ". . . how much easier it is to be critical than to be correct." [Benjamin Disraeli] "Man is not the creature of circumstances; circumstances are the creature of man." [Disraeli] "The foundational line . . of true ethical behaviour . . . is the degree of freedom from self-centeredness." [George F.R. Ellis] Speech is silver, silence is gold "Are you going to get down from the car or what?" "Mira look" "Look que cuté" "¡Oh sí!" "Que bueno" "Okay bueno" "Bueno bye" "Are we going o no?" "Do you want to eat o no?" "Get me a sang-gwich" "You're a sing-ger !?" "Let's go seven eleven" "Let's go Sonics" "Put green" "Put gas" "Put water" "Shut the light" "We landed up going to the plaza" "It's all good." "It's all cold." WOMAN'S LOVE POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S LOVE POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. |